Idiocy – it is a skill that cannot be taught
Ok, some people may think that they have a good handle on idiocy, but I am here to tell you that I RULE in this department. Let me give you a snapshot of the last 24 hours or so…
- Drive to airport.
- Find a narrow parking spot at airport car park and decide “its very close to the terminal. It will do”.
- Realise when you have pulled the car into the space that it is VERY tight due to cars on either side being well over their lines.
- Tell yourself “bugger it, they will be gone when I return” and jump out passenger door.
- Leave car headlights on.
- Go through security with a cork screw opener in your bag (which turns out to also be a pen-knife). Have your bag opened up and inspected by security. Feel like a criminal.
- Misread flight departure time. Sit in flight lounge casually while somewhere else your name is called three times before the plane doors shut. Then discover to your horror that for the first time in your life you have missed a plane and you are one of those idiots who has to be paged for a flight.
- Stand in line for 30 mins in order to get a new ticket – because you have given someone your word you will “be there”
- Purchase a new and hugely expensive full-cost ticket
- Arrive very late in the destination city as the new flight is very delayed due to weather.
- Take a taxi from hell, with a driver who knows less about the city than you. Pay a fare that would normally cover the cost of a cross country jaunt.
Things take a positive turn here, and you begin to feel that all is going well. What could possibly go wrong?
- Return flight to home city is also delayed, and you stress as you promised to be home in order to take kids to school.
- Return to car to find:
- a flat battery (because you left the headlights on)
- the poor parking job means that you cannot get in the drivers door
- the only way to get into the car without a powered up battery is through the drivers door
- you suddenly realise that the car beside the drivers door is actually abandoned and you may have to wait a LONG time before the owner will ever show up.
- You are now completely and totally stuffed. You cannot get into your car, you cannot jump start your car. More importantly, all of this is entirely your fault.
- For the hell of it, ring your beloved partner and when she couldn’t solve the problem immediately, snarl at her (which pleases her no end).
- Rush off via train to work to do presentation to entire staff on future of their new website
- Discuss possible solutions with partner re car. Come up with evil plan to solve car problem – using a child, and some matchsticks.
- Talk partner into driving to airport with two rabid children, in peak hour traffic and torrential rain.
- Catch train back to airport and meet partner/rabid children.
- Lift 7 year old child through drivers door from above (the only way he will fit) and get him to open passenger door.
- You now have access to the car, which is sort of down hill. With a bit of luck , you can hill start the car and be free.
- You stuff up the hill start and slowly roll to a stop, blocking the valet parking entrance.
Finally, at 6pm, 10 hours after your flight landed, you drive out of the Airport parking station and home.
Is it possible to top this within a 24 hour period? I think not!
Date: 7 February 2008
Author: Russ Weakley
Category: General, News
Tags:
[...] LawrenceAlbert: [...]
OMG that has to be the funniest thing I’ve ever read. Even having just read how Matt Didcoe *and* Kay Smoljak are both scared of sausages.
No wonder I’m flying like an eagle today.
well if you park your car in a narrow spot, only mentos can help, you know:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLccCsTGNP4
Lisa, I know what goes into sausages… that’s why I’m scared. You would be too if you thought about it.
Russ – I’m particularly impressed with the use of the child to unlock the door. That’s like Macgyver crossed with Mary Poppins
Gosh, Kay, kids are very useful. Ever locked your keys inside the house? (No, me neither. *cough*.) Just get your kid to crawl through the cat flap. Easy peasy!
Wow, you really win lol!
@Im: If only I had taken some Mentos with me, I would have had an easier day.
@Kay: Mary Poppins? I think your were after “Fagin” from Oliver Twist – using young children to do his evil deeds.
That, is a great story. With a little elaboration (i.e. we’d need to know why you were going away) I’m pretty sure there’s some movie rights worth selling in there somewhere.
There is only one way to park a car. Shaolin style:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPJK40BUnkc
Nice read!
You know this would make a good movie – or at least a good episode of Seinfeld.
OMG! I’m sure there is a prize somewhere you can win with that story, something along the line of a Guinness World Records.
[...] Idiocy – it is a skill that cannot be taught [...]
Russ – you’re awesome.
Didn’t you forget to mention the 10pm visit from DoCS?
Hahaha that is priceless… curious how much to cost all up incl the airport parking. Kids can come in handy when you need to shove them through a small space. A cat flap for instance.
Too damn funny Russ! What a day…
I must admit you didn’t seem yourself on Wednesday night. Now that I know you were half way through an expedition of idiocy it all makes sense.
You should train the rabid kids to do more than open car doors — they could become your Army of The Night!
You forgot the bit about snoring under your desk – but I’m glad your child labour plan paid off! Too funny!!
I’m in stitches. There goes my rest of today :p
Oh, Russ, and I thought I’d had a bit of a time getting to the event with MY taxi driver from hell. This takes the cake. What a story.
Hopefully the part in the middle was worth it though. I know it was for me and for you going through all this to make sure you were there for my event makes me value our short visit together all the more.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Molly
Ahhh, I feel better just having read that.
Thanks for blazing the trail Russ
Here is my Idiocy moment;
http://www.liubinskas.com/mick/?p=84
@molly: despite everything, it was definitely worth coming! A great talk and a fun evening.
@Mick: I see you have been pushing the idiocy envelope too!
You deserve some sort of “Lifetime Achievement for Idiocy” award mate.
Wow, that is amazing. I knew about the first half of the trip but didn’t realise the second half was that challenging too! Glad you could make it though and I love the child-door-opening plan.